Wednesday, July 12, 2017
A Sit-Down (Kinda) With Vlad Putin
This is satire. This is not real. This better not show up on Snopes. This is a test. This is only a test. If this had been an actual emergency and you were turning to us for information, you would be screwed. This is only a test.
After many years away from my old college buddy Vlad "The Impaler" Putin, I finally got him to sit down for an interview. He was as funny and warm as ever, and he still has that psychotic twinkle in his eye. We met at a quiet restaurant in Lockport, but he could only stay for a few minutes. Towards the end of the interview he started mumbling something about checking on his real estate investments on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C., and then left as quickly as he arrived.
Me: Well Vlad, it is good to see you again!
Vlad: George! How many years has it been? Too many. Kimmy Baby sends his regards as well.
Me: That guy is a nut!
Vlad: Tell me about it!
Me: Ok. So I get paid to ask the tough questions. Let's get right to it. How well do you know our president?
Vlad: Well, Donald and I go back a few years, but not as many as your government seems to think. We were in Moscow at the same time a few years ago, so we met for lattes. He's not a bad guy, really.
Me: What about that, um, video tape rumor?
Vlad: (laughs heartily) That was the craziest thing I have ever heard. My favorite part was when the media wanted me to (pauses for emphasis) "leak" the tape! Oh man! So funny!
Me: You've been all over the American media since President Trump was elected. Is anything being said about you true?
Vlad: Anything? Well, that is kind of a broad question. Is it true I am the perfect example of a virile leader? Of course! As for that election stuff, I don't get involved in politics. I let other people do that.
Me: Wait! You don't get involved in politics? You're the president of Russia!
Vlad: Well, it is not all about politics you know.
Me: Uh huh. Hey, can you still throw a perfect spiral?
Vlad: Ha! I haven't tried in years! Those were some rough games out in the mud outside the dorms!
Me: Yeah. I know. You had an offensive line made up of all of your friends and they would pummel me after every play.
Vlad: (sheepishly) Well...you know, football.
Me: Let's talk about Vlad the human being. What is your ideal day?
Vlad: Well, you know. I love pancakes for breakfast. I know the carbs are bad, but I love pancakes. After breakfast I do a little walking with my advisers and we discuss things like torture plans for the...I mean...international matters. The rest of the morning is all work. But I always make time to break at lunch to go to Billy Frank's Deli around the corner from the Kremlin. I like that place. The afternoon is when I call up world leaders to explain Russian history to them, and then talk to our provincial governors about their role in the Soviet empire. I'm usually in bed by 10:00 p.m.
Me: Soviet empire?
Vlad: I didn't say that.
Me: Yes, you did.
Vlad: No, I didn't.
Me: Anyways. About the November 2016 American presidential election, I ...
Vlad: Well my old friend, I have to get out to Washington, D.C. to check on some real estate I have on Pennsylvania Avenue. You stay well! I am glad to hear you are feeling better!
Me: Ok, Vlad. But...
Vlad: Bye now!
George N Root III is a Lockport resident who wants to remind everyone that this is just satire. Follow him on Twitter @georgenroot3, or send him a message at email@example.com.