Wednesday, May 17, 2017

The Cooler Rises, The First Telling

Gather 'round my children and I will tell you the tale of the rise of the Cooler. You have been reading the words of the prophets for almost two years now, and it is time that you learned where those words came from. For the Cooler is more than just a place where entertainment and mystery abounds. It is a place foretold of for centuries by some of the most pious men in history. The genesis of the Cooler may look to be a series of random events, but they were actually well-calculated movements choreographed by the very gods that would speak through the prophets.

And now, the Cooler rises. The first telling . . .

'Twas on a calm and unassuming night that the heroic George the Third set out to bring peace to the lands by defeating the great evil that hung over the people like a cloud. As he set out on his valiant white steed Journey, he encountered a prophet teaching from a clearing known as the Post. George had heard of this prophet before, and had even collaborated with this prophet in the past on many wondrous verses, but this time the prophet was speaking words of wisdom and truth.

As the prophet spoke among the crowd gathered at the Post, George bellowed "Craig, Master of Bits. A great peril has fallen over the land. The time to move is now!" At that, the Master of Bits stopped for a moment to take a long chug from his stein of mead, and then the two moved onwards towards the great mountain top to face the evil that had befallen the people. Actually, George suggested that they each retire to their own villas before attending to the evil, but the Master of Bits knew that getting the Third to emerge from his villa was a pain in the ass. So the Master of Bits suggested they leave immediately. After much grumbling from the Third, the two moved towards their destiny.

Before confronting the evil, the two heroes knew that they needed protection given only by the gods to have a successful quest. They sought out the muse Wendy, Keeper of Bits (yes, yes, same bits) for the wisdom they would require. Wendy bestowed upon the two the Book of Niagara, which was in dire need of an update. She gave each a shield in the shape of a Watercooler, and sent them to the great mountain to complete their quest. Along the way, she instructed the two to write about their journeys for the people to read for generations to come. And she provided baked goods for the quest, which were awesome.

George asked of Craig, "What the hell are we supposed to do with shields shaped like Watercoolers?" The Master of Bits shrugged his shoulders and opened the Book of Niagara. Immediately, the two noticed hundreds of blank pages in a section of the book called "Advice for a Productive Life." It was at that moment that the two heroes understood their destiny and, using a pen that Craig borrowed from Key Bank, the two began transcribing their thoughts onto the pages.

As the two approached the great mountain, they could see the evil as it spread out over the lands. As they approached closer, the evil revealed its name to be Wahl Mahrt, known throughout the universe as the destroyer of worlds. It was an evil Craig knew well from past battles. George looked upon the evil and said "Nope. No way. I am going back to my villa." Craig, in a rare fit of anger, boomed out "Get up the mountain and face the evil. Thou cannot spend all day in thine damn villa!"

Then the quest was underway, and the tales of the Cooler would become the guiding voice for the lands for generations.

(This, ladies and gentlemen, is what writer's block looks like.)

George N Root III is a noble hero and prophet who has a horrible case of writer's block this week. Follow him on Twitter @georgenroot3, or send him a message at