Friday, April 14, 2017

PETA Protests Consumption of Chocolate Bunnies

With Easter just around the corner, there has been a new assault on the chocolate bunnies that began last year with a rumor of rabid samples. This time, People for the Ethical Treatment of  Animals (PETA) have come out to decry the cruelty to the chocolate animals that are popular gifts for the holiday.

Sunshine Thurston-Howell, an activist with the group, spoke with Niagara’s Watercooler’s news staff while she was picketing at a local Walmart where the confectionery treats are being sold at a record rate. “I don’t understand how any true vegetarians can even think of eating those poor, defenseless, chocolate animals.”

Reports of protests outside confectioners across the nation have been trickling in as Easter hops ever closer. At one protest, in Pennsylvania, the protest evolved into a full riot after the owner of a chocolate shop attempted to appease the women outside his shop with free samples.

“I like to give out free samples,” stated Charles Pale, owner of Charlie’s Chocolate Choppe. “Sometimes we have characters come out of the mold broken or deformed. Instead of simply throwing them away, I hand them out to potential customers. I’ve never had the reaction that we had yesterday.”

According to witnesses, as Pale and several employees met the protesters with baskets of bite-sized chocolate, a cry went up from the group closest to the goodies. Shouts of dismay rippled through the crowd of body parts and severed heads and limbs. Pale and his employees dropped their baskets, running for the safety of the store after being pelted with fists and rotted passion fruit.

“There were body parts everywhere! Those poor, poor animals! How can they do that to those defenseless bunnies and still call themselves human?” cried one woman who was covered in blood, chocolate, and mashed Peeps.

“This is equivalent to the horse head in ‘The Godfather!’” screamed another.

A spokesperson from PETA declined to answer any questions, but commented, “We support all our members in any action they see fit when it comes to the protection of innocent animals.”

County Health officials released a statement regarding chocolate bunnies for the second consecutive Easter holiday. In part, it read, “It’s better to be safe than sorry when it comes to approaching rabid animals. Enjoy the time with your family over the holiday and avoid large crowds with agendas.”

Craig Bacon assures you that no animals were harmed in the production of this article. Well...maybe one chocolate bunny. But just the ears. I swear!

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